We’re a little slow in the IYRTP department this week kids, what with Chris being out of town and Laura being out of patience with your shenanigans. (You know the ones we’re talking about.) But, we managed to pull together some good stuff: Walmart makes an ISIS cake, sharks are the new black, Girl Scouts, Katy Perry, planetary conjunctions, you name it!
After the local Walmart denied his request for a Confederate flag cake with the words “Heritage Not Hate,” a Louisiana man used a little trickery (i.e., inevitability that Americans possess limited knowledge of flags that don’t regularly fly above a Denny’s) to get a cake made with an image of the ISIS flag.
In a YouTube video, terrorist cake buyer Chuck Netzhammer noted, “That’s an ISIS battleflag cake anybody can go buy at Walmart, but you can’t buy a Confederate flag toy, with like, say a ‘Dukes of Hazzards’ (sic) car.”
Confederate Flag USA: atillawolf: flickr
“An associate in a local store did not known what the design meant and made a mistake,” said a Walmart spokesperson. “The cake should not have been made and we apologize.”
But the cake has been made, a confectionary hotbed of political chaos and buttercream poised to destroy all logic and reason. And the worst part? Some cake decorator probably took a long time to make sure they got all the lettering right. At least their work can be appreciated by a widespread audience now.
Hide your kids, hide your wives, they eatin everybody up in here. OK, well not really. But, there have been a lot of shark encounters this year in the HamRo/OBX region. What’s the deal? Well, according to VIMS shark and turtle expert Jack Musick, this year’s early warming may be partly to blame. According to Musick, the warmer temperatures might have brought more sea turtles closer to land. Sea turtles are a primary source of food for many larger species of sharks, and the closer they come to shore, the more likely they are to come into contact with humans.
Musick pointed out that many of these sharks that attack humans generally aren’t out to eat people, but he is worried about bull shark attacks. He says that sharks of that size, while not necessarily setting out to eat humans, are generally out for prey larger than fish. He does conclude by pointing out, though, that you’re more likely to be struck by lightning than attacked by a shark.
But, I still plan to spend my summer searching for the elusive salsa shark.
Back when I was in Girl Scouts (shout out to my bitches in Troop 390), we were mostly known for hawking cookies and wearing unbearably dorky uniforms to school. These days, however, the Girl Scouts are raking in some serious street cred for their unwavering commitment to not being assholes.
Case in point: after the organization announced it was officially open to transgender girls, an unnamed donor sent the Girl Scouts of Western Washington $100,000 with the stipulation that the funds “not be used to support transgender girls.”
So the Girl Scouts returned the money. [Fireworks explode, eagles soar, the reanimated corpse of Juliette Gordon Low dances in a circle to “Shake It Off” with her middle fingers in the air.]
The money would have been used to send 500 underprivileged Girl Scouts to summer camp, so the Girl Scouts of Western Washington are working to match that donation through a fundraiser. If you’d like to support them, you can donate here.
New laws take effect each year on July 1 in the Commonwealth of Virginia, and here’s a good rundown of what’s changing. Things like: it’s now legal for mothers to breastfeed wherever they are legally present; employers cannot ask you for username and password information for your social media accounts; a host of new laws about campus sexual assault; the police cannot use drone vehicles without obtaining a search warrant, plus we have a new state song (sadly, it’s not this); drivers can now legally cross double yellow lines to avoid pedestrians and cyclists, but DON’T GO ABUSING IT. Looking at you, Colonial Avenue drivers.
Laura, reporting from the dark side of the Swiftybeat, says,
I’m not saying that God is a Taylor Swift fan, but I am saying that a couple of nuns in Los Feliz, Calif., are currently trying to block the sale of their former convent to the Swiftybeat’s sworn nemesis/sentient tube of cupcake frosting.
Lest you wonder why this convent is such a hot commodity—the property is totally sick. The convent itself looks like a castle, and it’s situated on a hill with a breathtaking view of downtown L.A. It also has a pool, because Hollywood nunnery.
The archbishop of Los Angeles agreed to sell the convent to Katy Perry for a mere $14.5 million in cash, but before he could complete the deal, a couple of rogue nuns (the best kind) sold the place to someone else. The diocese is now trying to prove that the nuns’ sale was illegal so it can get back to accepting that ca$hmoney from Perry.
The sisters—who were the initial buyers of the property in the first place—are mostly concerned that their living expenses won’t be covered if the diocese is in charge of the sale. But rest assured, they did voice some apprehensions about a pop star like Perry moving into their old place. Sister Rita noted that she researched Katy Perry on The Internet™.
Said Sister Rita: “Well, I found Katy Perry and I found her videos and…”
[All of us lean forward like Diane Sawyer]
“…if it’s all right to say, I wasn’t happy with any of it.”
Whew! I haven’t seen a burn that holy since God appeared to Moses in the bush!
Perry met with the nuns in May to smooth things over, and according to Sister Rita, the singer actually made a good impression. She told the nuns she wanted to “live on the property with her mother and grandmother, sit in the meditation garden, sip green tea and find herself.” Noticeably absent was any mention of penning diss tracks about T-Swift with John Mayer. Maybe the nuns don’t know your game, Katy, but you can’t hide from the eyes of the Lord. Or the Swiftybeat, for that matter.
The Naro continues their New Non-Fiction Film series with “The Wolfpack,” a Sundance Festival award winner chronicling the lives of the Angulo brothers, whose parents locked raised them entirely indoors in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. There they spent their childhoods reenacting their favorite movies, until one of the brothers escapes into the outside world, and the ensuing shift forces the rest of the brothers to come to terms with the outside world.
Come for the film and stay for the post-show discussion facilitated by Dr. Tim Sanderson, a psychiatrist in private practice and specialist in Jungian analysis. These films and discussions are rarely boring and always thought-provoking, so make sure to come by and support the Naro and serious non-fiction filmmaking: Wednesday night, at 7:15 PM.
Long ago, a prophesy foretold of two great ones who would alter the course of history with their unmatched witticisms about the world around them. But until they arrive, Chris O’ Brien and Laura Watkins are filling in. Sharing a love of tacos, cats, justice, as well as an overarching ambition to perform history’s greatest karaoke duet of “Lightning Crashes,” and last but not least, a common ancestor in Charlemagne, Chris and Laura excel at beer drinking, trivia, and giving the Price side-eye to the patriarchy. They’re also pretty sure they were orphaned Russian siblings in another life, but that’s a story for another time.