This week! Laura and Chris dish about that dude Jared, the passing of a local civil rights icon, some truly hilarious advice column trolling, more friggin shark attacks, Jimmy Carter, Obummercare, podcasts you should be listening to, and of course, the Swiftybeat.
What’s going on with America’s first sodium-nitrate-powered automaton Jared Fogle right now, you ask? Well, as of this writing, the House that Hoagies Built is being searched by the feds, the Indiana State Police, and the Postal Service (Ben Gibbard—such a vigilante). The raid is thought to be in connection with a child pornography case involving Fogle’s uncle, who previously served as executive director of The Jared Foundation, a charity Fogle established to combat childhood obesity.
To be clear, Fogle has not been charged with any crime at this point.
Andrew Heidelberg, one of the Norfolk 17, has passed away. Heidelberg was one of 17 African-American teenagers who led the desegregation of Norfolk’s public school system in 1959, following state and federal court orders that the city’s schools be integrated.
image | Chrysler Museum of Art
Heidelberg was also the first African-American to play football for a predominantly white school in Virginia. As a senior in 1961, he played for the Norview High School football team that won the Eastern Division title. Following his graduation from Norview, Heidelberg went on to attend Norfolk State, and had a successful career in finance, including serving as the first African-American vice president of Barclays Bank of New York. He returned to our area in 1994 and eventually served as the treasure of the City of Hampton. Heidelberg also wrote a book on his experiences with the end of Massive Resistance and segregation.
Human beings can be truly horrible. They lie. They steal. They turn “Smooth” into one of the most successful hits of the 20th century.
But every now and then, human beings do something so sincerely perfect, something so great and wondrous, that you find yourself rendered totally senseless with awe for our species, unable to comprehend anything other than miracle of humanity.
Someone sending in the plot summary of The Room as a faux problem to “Ask Amy” is one of those times.
Trying to describe The Room to someone who hasn’t seen it is like trying to describe the color orange, the smell of rain, or what it feels like to love someone completely. You just have to experience it for yourself. But assuming you haven’t, the best way I can describe the room is that it’s highly quotable.
Anyway, the letter in question:
Dear Amy: I have a serious problem with my future wife. She has not been faithful to me.
I recently overheard her talking to her friend about how she was unfaithful to me. When I confronted her, all that she said was that she couldn’t talk right now. I feel like I have to record everything in my own house just to learn the truth.
To make things even more stressful is the fact that she recently told a couple of people that I hit her, but it’s not true. I did not hit her. I’m not sure why she has been acting like this lately. She did just find out that her mother has breast cancer, and that might be playing a role in her behavior.
We still always find time to make love, so I don’t know why she would go out seeking it from someone else. I just can’t believe she would do this to me. I love her so much, she is my everything, and I don’t know that I could go on without her. She is tearing me apart.
What should I do? — Devastated
Advice columnist Amy Dickinson, who has apparently not seen this cult classic, responded in earnest to the letter. To be fair, Amy gave pretty solid-ass counsel, suggesting that the dysfunctional couple from the letter separate:
The first thing you should do is to NOT get married. Your fiancée’s behavior and your response are the very essence of dysfunction. If you are correct and she is stepping out on you, this is a huge problem. Your declaration that you feel like you “have to record everything … just to learn the truth” is chilling. Her counter-accusation that you hit her is potentially very dangerous for you.
Because of an escalation in behavior I sense in both of you — and the seemingly toxic connection between you two — it would be wisest for you to separate. Seek the support of close friends, family, and a professional counselor to help you deal with this loss and change.
If only Johnny had followed Amy’s advice before it was too late! But you know what they say: love is blind. Anyway, how is your sex life?
So we all know how well-established Muslim Socialist Nazi Dictator Barack HUSSEIN Obama (ALL HAIL OBAMA!) came into office and immediately instituted a draconian new healthcare law by executive fiat while Congress was distracted by a shiny thing in January 2009. And I’m sure I don’t need to remind you about the UN-operated Death Panels that have sent countless grandmas and grandpas to FEMA concentration camps in the deserts of Nevada, the mandatory barcodes we’ve all had tattooed on the back of our necks, and the tens of millions of Americans who have been fired from their jobs because their employers couldn’t afford to buy them their government-mandated allocation of Soylent Green (which we all have to eat now because Oblahblah has stolen all the ice cream and Doritos for himself). All of this could have been avoided if only Obummer had bothered to consult Republicans just once. But because he refused, they were forced to oppose it and burn it to the ground. (Like that crazy commander in Glory. You treat your soldiers like children, sir, and Colonel Ferris Bueller will not stand for it!).
Of course, none of this is remotely true, but it’s not far off the exaggerations and outright lies peddled by the Right-Wing Sound Machine (worst band name ever) since passage of the ACA. Conservative heretic (aka, legitimate scholar) Norm Ornstein corrects the record. He systematically takes down the GOP myths about the development, passage, and implementation of the Affordable Care Act. Opponents of the law should read it, if only to get their facts straight. And supporters should read it and take its honesty to heart, in case Republicans ever pass something that somehow ends up good for someone other than the Koch Brothers.
“I think Jesus would encourage any love affair if it was honest and sincere and was not damaging to anyone else, and I don’t see that gay marriage damages anyone else,” Carter said.
Carter is such a sweet dude. Can we all agree it would be a nice gesture to scrub the “Jimmy Carter rabbit incident” page from Wikipedia now?
In related news, that same Marine now has a sharkskin belt, sharkskin jacket, sharkskin boots, and will be having sharkfin soup for dinner. Oorah?
But seriously, enough with the sharks already.
Also, Chris says,
Normally I use this place to plug the weekly New Non-Fiction Film Series show at the Naro, and you should still definitely go this week—they’re showing The Yes Men are Revolting and it’s sure to be hilarious and infuriating, so be there at 7:15 tonight. But, I just got back from a long roadtrip and listened to some awesome podcasts that you should also be listening to:
- Mystery Show: This American Life alum Starlee Kine (remember that one where she got Phil Collins to help her write a song about her break up?) is back with a new podcast where she solves mysteries. Stories range from, “How did Brittny Spears get a copy of my novel?” to “How tall is Jake Gyllenhaal really?” and are engaging and funny. And at about an 45 minutes each, fit perfectly in to your drive.
- Reply All: From the same shop as Mystery Show, this program digs deep into some of the more interesting things happening on the internet. Recent shows include the story of a Girl Scout troop that survived a Japanese concentration camp in China and a teenager in Australia who setup a fake “office” on Facebook to make fun of office drones, only to have it taken over by real office drones.
- NPR’s TED Radio Hour: I don’t think this show is available over the air from WHRV (I could be wrong), but download the podcast anyway. TED Talks, to the uninitiated, are thought-provoking talks given by innovators, inventors, thinkers, entrepreneurs, and others about new ways to think and create. Topics range from theoretical physics to psychology to gardening to comedy. You’ll find yourself excited about new ideas and trying to explain them to friends.
- Other good ones for your summer roadtrips: This American Life (obviously), RadioLab, The Thomas Jefferson Hour, How Did this Get Made (not suitable if you’re traveling with kids), Backstory, Serial (how have you not listened to this already?), and Snap Judgment.
And finally, on the Swiftybeat, Laura says,
I don’t recommend looking at T-Swift’s July 4th photos unless you feel very secure about the amount of fun you had over the holiday weekend. Ah, well, our girl deserved it. Unicorn pool floats for all!
Long ago, a prophesy foretold of two great ones who would alter the course of history with their unmatched witticisms about the world around them. But until they arrive, Chris O’ Brien and Laura Watkins are filling in. Sharing a love of tacos, cats, justice, as well as an overarching ambition to perform history’s greatest karaoke duet of “Lightning Crashes,” and last but not least, a common ancestor in Charlemagne, Chris and Laura excel at beer drinking, trivia, and giving the Price side-eye to the patriarchy. They’re also pretty sure they were orphaned Russian siblings in another life, but that’s a story for another time.