Just when the foxes all left the beach and we thought it was finally safe to head back to the Oceanfront, there’s a biting monkey on the loose.
From The Pilot:
The incident occurred in the 2300 block of Atlantic Avenue after which the owner and monkey fled the scene… Investigators are asking the public for information about the monkey or its owner.
Anyone with helpful information regarding the incident is encouraged to call 1-888-LOCK-U-UP.
Here at AltDaily we have been desperately trying to track down the offending primate. We put on our yellow hat and packed our pockets full of peanut butter and hit the streets.
The manager at Jungle Golf on 23rd St. was cagey, to put it nicely.
“We have no information on that,” said John, a manager at the animal-themed putt putt course, his voice laced with the lies of a man aiding and abetting a runaway monkey.
Myra Wood, director of marketing and sales at Ocean Breeze Waterpark, admitted to harboring a primate.
“The facts that I will share is we do have a 45-foot-tall gorilla, and if someone has brought a monkey to the park as an aide, I can’t disclose that,” she said.
When I asked to speak to Hugh Mongous, Wood claimed he was not available. Mongous, with his shit-eating grin and the devil behind those sunglasses, should be considered a suspected accomplice until we can get to the bottom of this barrel of biting monkeys.
Recently monkeys across the world have become increasingly cavalier. Some might even call them gangsta.
The monkeys are snatching people’s bookbags.
They’re shooting up rebels with their own AK47s.
The monkeys are even now teaching cats to fight alligators. What is lyfe?? Are any of us safe??
When I reached out to the Virginia Zoo for comment, their representative suggested that people should stay away from all monkeys on the loose.
Definitely don’t give that monkey your AK47. C’mon, people.